


Hidden desires

by daniebanaanie



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Movie AU, michaeng
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 16:50:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13035378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daniebanaanie/pseuds/daniebanaanie
Summary: Chaeyoung had always been a curious girl which was why she could not help herself when she noticed the incredible stream of positive comments on a new move: Carol. But not knowing whether the other members would approve, she decides to watch it alone and comes to find that the movie wakes a strange feeling in her belly. When a certain member accidentally walks in on her, her world collapses and she has trouble accepting herself for who she truly is. Luckily, Mina is there to help her out.





	Hidden desires

With her lower lip caught between her teeth, Chaeyoung watched the two women on her laptop screen. Cate Blanchett, one of her favourite actresses – besides Kristen Stewart, of course – shared a loving gaze with Rooney Mara, who played the shy, introverted photographer Therese. A shudder made goosebumps appear on her arms and legs. Cheeks flared red, Chaeyoung could not look away from the screen as the two women shared a kiss. She bit harder on her lips, consciously aware that she heard stumbling coming from another room. She already had her index finger placed on the space bar, ready to pause the film if someone came in. Her breath got caught in her throat as she felt her stomach tighten. A fluttering feeling made her cheeks go red even more.   
The scene changed and Chaeyoung was finally able to breathe again. Now that the scene had changed into any ordinary movie scene, she could take the tip of her finger off of the space bar again and enjoy the rest of the movie. If anyone came in now, they would never know what kind of movie Carol actually was.   
Carol was a new movie that had caught her attention by the enormous amount of publicity it got. In Korea, they tended to be relatively silent about it and otherwise negative, but the internet had almost slapped her in the face with all of its positive, supportive content, gifs, pictures and good reviews of Carol. Chaeyoung, having always been open to new things, decided to give it a shot. And not just because the film was incredibly well shot and her little artists’ heart just fallen instantly in love by looking at the beautiful scenes in the trailer, but mainly because she was a little curious too. She knew what the movie was about and she had made a conscious decision to watch it anyway. Two women falling in love… it was still such a taboo in Korea that she felt like she was committing a crime for even watching it.   
But her curious nature had won it over her anxiety and she had downloaded it. Even though she had felt a strong connection with the movie even before starting it, she had not dared to tell the members about it. She was not sure how they would react. Chaeyoung did not want them to know, for various reasons.   
Most youngsters in Korea were quite open about it all, but it wasn’t uncommon for teenagers and young adults to be incredibly homophobic as well. A lot of these ways of thinking were inserted into their minds by their family, as family bonds are very valuable in Korea. Chaeyoung herself loved her relatives and she understood why they were easily indoctrinated. Her own family was rather conservative as well, but despite the fact that they had loudly spoken about the sin that was homosexuality, Chaeyoung had gotten curious nevertheless. Within an hour of doing research, she had changed her way of thinking entirely, which had eventually lead to watching Carol.   
But she was scared the members would not understand. Wouldn’t they find it strange? Even if I was not for the two women kissing on screen, but for her sudden interest in it? It was a little peculiar, even Chaeyoung had to admit that, but it felt so real. The scenes felt more intimate and passionate than any other romantic scene she had ever seen and it only felt right that it was two women who were kissing. The other members would not understand, she reckoned. Even if they would accept the concept, they would still shrug. They did not understand that, somehow, it meant a lot to Chaeyoung. 

So, she had decided to watch the movie alone… in her room… in the dark.   
The other members were doing what they always did: lazing around, trying to cook, working out, going to one of the nearby convenience stores to buy snacks, watch dramas, blah blah blah. It was their day off and tomorrow their schedules would begin again, so each of them took the time off to do something for themselves. Jihyo went to visit her parents and had taken Tzuyu with her. The maknae seemed to be almost adopted by the Park family which was something both girls were very happy about. Chaeyoung was also glad that Tzuyu felt so at ease around Jihyo’s parents. She knew the youngest still had a hard time being without her parents for so long. She was only 18 yet, and Chaeyoung could not imagine what it would be like to not see her parents for months in a row.   
Momo was most likely sleeping or dancing. Chaeyoung guessed she was sleeping though, because even the eager brunette preferred chilling over dancing from time to time. And since Momo was resting Sana was most likely to be in bed with her, taking in Jeongyeon’s place as the hug-machine.   
Nayeon and Jeongyeon were watching a scary movie together, Chaeyoung concluded from the scared squeals of the eldest member coming from the living room, accompanied by the teasing laughter of her friend.   
That left Dahyun and Mina. Since Dahyun had decided to meet up with her old friends from high school, she would be completely off for the day. And Mina? Well, Chaeyoung did not worry much about her. 

The movie continued and by now, Carol and Therese had started their touring trip through America and Chaeyoung was able to sit back and relax. She took her drink and sipped it through a plastic straw as she enjoyed the movie. The chemistry with the two actresses on screen was just amazing, she could almost feel it vibrating through her laptop. It made the movie easy to watch and the deep meaning and longing looks of the two leads made her fall in love with the piece of art before half of the movie was even over.   
But as expected, it did not stay innocent for very long. Chaeyoung nervously placed her finger back on the space bar when Carol and Therese shared a kiss once more. She was very conscious of all the sounds coming from the living room, expecting one of the members to burst in at any moment. She was lucky Dahyun and Tzuyu were both out, but it was not uncommon for the girls to gather in each other’s room.   
The kiss changed from something innocent to a scene Chaeyoung had not expected. She had read some rumours but she had not expected it to be so physical, so intensely prominent on the screen. The sex scene made her whole body tense as she watched, her cheeks coloured deep red and her lower lip caught between her teeth again. A strange, fluttering feeling had settled in her stomach and became harder to ignore with each passing second. It felt impossible to remove her eyes from the screen. The strange curiosity, familiarity, that had settled in her belly confused her. Chaeyoung did not feel any repulse from watching the two women. She did not feel repelled or grossed out. It felt natural; normal, even. It made her heart pound faster. 

And because her attention was entirely captured by the screen, she did not hear her dark-haired friend call her name from the kitchen. One time… Two times… Chaeyoung did not hear it, the movie had caught all of her attention.   
She did not hear one of the other members coming closer to her room, nor the door handle getting pushed down. Chaeyoung started to realize that something was wrong when the door squeaked and light entered the dark room. She made the mistake to look up first and only pause the movie after she saw who it was. By then, Mina had already seen what was happening on Chaeyoung’s screen and had opened her mouth to say something. Nothing came out.   
Chaeyoung got overflowed by a wave of panic. She immediately closed her laptop and pushed it off lap, staring anxiously in Mina’s direction. For a few seconds, the two girls just looked at each other, Mina’s face expressing only confusion and Chaeyoung’s stiffened by fear.   
Mina slowly closed her mouth and closed the door behind her. Chaeyoung looked away, not able to bear the gaze of her friend any longer. And suddenly tears started to well up in her eyes. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, hugging them close to her body. As she tried to keep her body from shaking and the tears from leaking out of her eyes, she buried her face in the crook that had appeared between her legs and her belly.   
Chaeyoung felt the bed dent a few feet to her right. A warm hand was placed on her shoulder but she shrugged it off, perhaps a little meaner than she had meant to.   
“Chaeyoung-ah…” she heard Mina murmur softly. Chaeyoung shook her head, unable to look up. Tears started to roll down her face, leaving wet tracks that erased her make-up.   
“Y-you saw it, right?” she asked with a shaking voice. Mina cleared her throat with a soft cough.   
“It’s okay, Chae, it’s-“  
Chaeyoung shook her head furiously. With wet eyes and damp cheeks, she looked up to Mina, her lower lip quivering. Mina’s eyes widened a little, surprised at seeing her friend so intensely broken. She swallowed audibly.   
“It’s not okay,” the smaller girl hissed back.   
“Chaeyoung, it’s just a movie. You can watch whatever you want, I will not judge you,” Mina replied calmly, unaffected by Chaeyoung’s angry tone. She understood that her friend was going through a hard time and that she would not make it any better by acting annoyedly too. She needed to be here for her now since she understood all too clearly that something was bothering the tiny brunette. There must be something going on with that movie. There was a reason why she watched it all alone in the dark, covered under the sheets, and had stared so scaredly in her direction when she had walked in. If she had walked in on any other member watching any other movie, they would not break down crying. No, it was clear to Mina that she needed to dig a little deeper.   
“It’s not about the movie,” Chaeyoung brought out with difficulty, her voice shaking. “It’s… it’s just…-“  
She shook her head, indicating that she could not speak any further. Mina watched her friend with knotted eyebrows as she angrily wiped away some of her tears. They were immediately replaced by fresh ones and after a while she just let them roll down her cheeks, letting them wet the collar of her t-shirt.   
Mina decided to try again and placed her hand on Chaeyoung’s lower arm. The girl looked at her with a side glance but was unable to speak. After a few moments had passed, she buried her face in her lap again. Mina felt a little more comfortable now that Chaeyoung had accepted her, so she scooted closer. Her friend was shaking, she noticed, as she wrapped her arm around her thin shoulders. Chaeyoung did not budge and Mina closed the gap between them until she could wrap her whole body around the tiny brunette.   
“What is it?” she mumbled softly, placing her hand once more on Chaeyoung’s shoulder, rubbing it softly. “That movie, it was Carol, wasn’t it?”  
Chaeyoung nodded and sniffled. “I-It was. How do you know it?”  
“I have seen the trailer,” Mina admitted. “It’s an intriguing movie, don’t you think?”  
The brunette looked up. She bit down on her lower lip as she let her eyes go up and down over Mina’s face for a moment, looking for any sign that she might be lying.   
“The movie itself is even better,” she eventually said, slowly. Mina’s comforting words made her feel a little better. And that she was not afraid to touch her, to wrap her arm around her like she always used to do, also did Chaeyoung well. She felt dirty, somehow. Weird. A cast-out. Perhaps, deep inside, she had always known that these kinds of relationships attracted her more than others, than ‘normal’ ones. She had wanted to hide that part of her and was not ready to acknowledge it yet.   
“Then why did you turn it off when I came in?” Mina asked softly.   
And even though Chaeyoung knew exactly why she had turned it off, it was hard to say out loud. Because if she explained why she had turned it off so abruptly then she also had to admit her weird connection with the movie and its story. Then she had to explain everything. And she was not ready for that. She did not want to say it out loud… perhaps not ever.   
Mina noticed the uneasy glance in her friend’s eyes and decided not to push. Instead, she pulled Chaeyoung even closer, so the smaller girl would be able to lay her head on her shoulder. By now, she had been able to guess what was sort of going on in her head.   
It did not surprise her, though.   
In Japan, girls were less touchy than they were in Korea. That was why Mina had been constantly confused when she had walked down the streets in Korea when she had just arrived. By now, she did not know any better than to hold Momo’s hand or hook her arm through Jeongyeon’s. But Chaeyoung was different. She somehow lacked that personal intimacy with the other members. She acted along on camera but seemed to be almost scared to hold one of the members’ hands off-camera, let alone hug them. At first, Mina had just thought that, just like Tzuyu, she simply did not crave the personal touches. It was not abnormal for a girl to just want her own space, even Korean girls.   
But there also was something about Chaeyoung that lacked in Tzuyu. She almost seemed frightened at touching another woman. It was quite a bummer for her though since she lived together with Sana, who was known to touch everyone she saw.   
Chaeyoung neither seemed fond of kissing any of the members on their birthday. She hated it, she had once admitted, when the others came that close. Mina had had trouble to understand her back then, but it started to make sense now. She did not feel like Jeongyeon, who mostly just played disgusted to entertain ONCEs and tease the other members, but she truly hated it. And it wasn’t like she didn’t like the members or did not want them to get close, but merely because she was afraid they would know.   
Mina had never seen her check out other women, though. Only men, like the other girls. There were no concrete facts Mina could remember that had made her wonder about her friend’s sexuality. It was simply a feeling, a speculation, a premonition, that she had. Chaeyoung had kept her secret close to her heart and Mina guessed that no one knew yet.   
Knowing that she had walked around with feelings like these and was not able to talk with anyone about them made tears appear in Mina’s eyes. She was always quick to cry, but this really upset her. One of her best friends had felt so lonely going through this by herself. Chaeyoung had felt so ashamed at watching something that interested her, that she had watched it all alone, in the dark, covered under the sheets.   
She hated herself for not noticing.   
“You should have told me. We could have watched together,” Mina eventually said.   
This time, it was Chaeyoung’s turn to look up confusedly. With her large eyes, still wet with tears, she stared at Mina.   
“What?”  
“I would have wanted to see this movie as well. Remember when The Handmaiden came out? It was such a beautiful story too, don’t you think?”   
Chaeyoung looked down. “I have never seen that one... Doesn’t Kim Tae-Ri play in it?”  
“Yes, she does. We should watch it together one time then, but only if we watch Carol together too, okay?”  
Chaeyoung sniffled, pointed her gaze at Mina again and nodded silently. 

The two girls did not say much after that. Silence had settled between them and neither of them wanted to break it. It felt good, comforting, consoling, to both Chaeyoung and Mina. The brunette still had her head on Mina’s shoulder and now that she had been assured that Mina did not entirely despise her, she was able to breathe calmly again. The tears dried up and she was able to relax her muscles a little bit. Still, she was very much aware of how close the other girl was. She could smell her perfume – it smelled like roses – and she felt Mina’s hairbrush over her cheek every time she breathed. She was painfully aware that her friend’s hand was still on her shoulder. It instantly made her feel uncomfortable.   
“Mina… do you mind?”  
“Mind what?” her friend asked. She had to clear her throat again, as it had become hoarse in the time that they had not talked.   
“Mind… me… you know, the thing-”  
“You liking girls?” Mina asked.   
Chaeyoung stiffened. She did not dare to look up; she did not even dare to breathe. The words felt like poison to her ears, but they exposed the truth that both of the girls knew already. Chaeyoung liked women, but that did not mean that she was comfortable to hear it yet…   
The brunette almost pulled away but Mina shifted and placed her hand on her cheek. Her hand was cold but it burned on Chaeyoung’s red cheeks.   
Mina forced her friend to look up to her. Chaeyoung bit down on her lip.   
“You’re crazy, Son Chaeyoung,” she said, with half of a smile on her face. “Do you think I would have minded? You’re my friend, I love you. And I already had a feeling that you liked women as well.”  
Chaeyoung frowned. Mina smiled in return.   
“You are a good hider, Chae, but it takes more effort to hide from me. There’s nothing wrong with you and there will never, ever, be something wrong with you. Trust me.”  
Chaeyoung sucked her lower lip in and nibbled on it.   
“But the other members… don’t they think I am… dirty? Won’t they feel betrayed I did not tell them? What if they don’t want to be friends anymore or think I have ever liked them? I do not like anyone from Twice, Mina, I swear,” she blurted out, suddenly revealing what was truly bothering her. She was scared to death that her members would turn their backs on her. She would not be able to continue with her career if they ever did; she needed them.   
Chaeyoung would even sink deeper down that hole of self-loathing if it turned out that any of the members would despise her; would hate her; would be disgusted by the fact that she liked women too.   
And what about the staring gazes on the street? What if fans started noticing it? Her life would come crashing down hard and fast and would indulge her until she was trapped under a pile of debris.   
Suddenly, she realized something, as Mina was still struggling to find the right words to console her friend.   
“And what if you’re just playing? What if you’re just playing nice but cannot look at me anymore? I simply don’t know, Mina. I cannot know how people truly think about that part of me and it drives me crazy. I can’t think straight anymore and I am constantly looking over my shoulder to check whether someone is watching me. It feels like I’m being spied on all the time and I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t trust anyone with it and right now it feels like my whole life is about to fall apart because you know.”  
Tears started to leak out of her eyes again and this time she did not feel like leaning on Mina’s shoulder. Her own, destructive thoughts made her take Mina’s arm from her shoulder and shove away a few inches. Chaeyoung pulled up her knees again and was about to bury her face in her lap again when she heard Mina scoff. The brunette could not help to look up.   
Mina’s eyes were widened in shock as she stared at her friend, unable to believe what she had just told her. She knew it was just her mind playing tricks on her, but Mina almost felt offended that she even dared to think Mina would think of her badly. But if you had no one to talk to, even the tiniest bad feeling could turn your thoughts self-destructive and would send you down spiralling fast, until you were too deep in to climb back out alone.   
“Son Chaeyoung… do you- do you truly think that? You must be…-“  
Crazy, Mina had wanted to say, but the look on Chaeyoung’s face had stopped her. That incredibly vulnerable look. She knew that if she let a word like that escape her lips, she would send Chaeyoung spiralling down even faster and she was, in fact, trying to do the opposite: to reach down and help her up.   
The only thing that she thought would convince her that Mina would never, ever, hate her, frightened her a little. But the choice was quickly made. She would do anything for Chaeyoung and the longer her friend cried, the more her heart would break. 

Mina took a deep breath and leaned forward. She moved fast, as she did not want Chaeyoung to see through her plan and to pull back. She just wanted her to feel; to make her feel; to make her let herself feel what she had been trying to hide for so long.   
Mina closed her eyes just before their lips touched each other. It was a bit rougher than she had meant to, because of the speed she had come at her friend, but nevertheless, it made her heart spring up. Her hand locked around Chaeyoung’s neck, keeping her close.   
Chaeyoung hadn’t had time to close her eyes. She had just tried to look down again when she saw Mina coming close faster. Right as she had looked up, their lips had locked and her eyes had widened in shock. Unable to move, she let Mina kiss her. Her muscles seemed to be turned to stone; she could not even lift up her hand to hold the other girl. Eventually, her eyes fluttered shut, but not before she had gazed down at Mina, who looked simply angelic with her eyes closed and her lips slightly parted against her own. Her friend’s perfume penetrated the air, making Chaeyoung gasp for more.   
Mina kissed her once, twice, trice and eventually bowed back. Chaeyoung traced after her lips, still with her eyes closed, only to realize that she wasn’t there anymore. The brunette opened her eyes, only then realizing what had happened. Her cheeks coloured a deep shade of red, suddenly ashamed that she had let herself go like that. Mina looked back at her with a strange expression, one that was a mixture of confusion and determination.   
After a few seconds of silence, she ran with her hand through her hair and let her tongue run over her lower lip. She could taste the remains of Chaeyoung’s lips; a taste that turned her stomach inside out and made her heart beat faster.   
“Don’t you ever think that I would despise you, Chaeyoung,” she said. Her voice was still soft and caring, but she did not smile. Mina was being dead serious. “And the others will understand as well, I know from experience. I am not saying that you should tell them, but… it would not hurt you to do so.”  
Chaeyoung could only nod, feeling her throat tighten again. A shaky breath left her mouth. She looked down, before she asked: “Would you stay here tonight? Just for tonight?”  
Mina’s facial expression softened as well. She smiled and shoved closer to Chaeyoung again. This time, it was Mina who laid her head upon her friend’s shoulder, as a sign of love.   
“Of course.”


End file.
